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Line King: College football needs The 'U' back

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  • AuburnMore>>

  • Bama, Auburn, Mizzou hold spring games

    Bama, Auburn, Mizzou hold spring games

    Friday, April 18 2014 12:47 PM EDT2014-04-18 16:47:53 GMT
    (RNN) - Three more SEC teams have their spring football games on Saturday, April 19 as the spring practice season winds down. Auburn's A-Day Game will be televised on ESPN at 3 p.m. ET. The Tigers will
    Auburn, Alabama and Missouri will finish up spring practice with spring games. Auburn and the Crimson Tide will have their A-Day games televised.
  • Auburn baseball falls short to Samford University

    Auburn baseball falls short to Samford University

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 9:26 PM EDT2014-04-17 01:26:10 GMT
    The Auburn University baseball team fell just short of a comeback against the Samford Bulldogs on Tuesday night losing 7-6. The Tigers were down 6-0 before scoring four runs in the fifth inning and one
    The Auburn University baseball team fell just short of a comeback against the Samford Bulldogs on Tuesday night losing 7-6.
  • Auburn University baseball team blanks Troy at Plainsman Park

    Auburn University baseball team blanks Troy at Plainsman Park

    Tuesday, April 8 2014 10:56 PM EDT2014-04-09 02:56:38 GMT
    The Auburn University baseball team blanked Troy University on Tuesday at Plainsman Park, beating the Trojans 6-0. The Tigers recorded 14 hits, including four doubles, compared to just six that the Trojans
    The Auburn University baseball team blanked Troy University on Tuesday at Plainsman Park, beating the Trojans 6-0.
  • South CarolinaMore>>

  • Bama, Auburn, Mizzou hold spring games

    Bama, Auburn, Mizzou hold spring games

    Friday, April 18 2014 12:47 PM EDT2014-04-18 16:47:53 GMT
    (RNN) - Three more SEC teams have their spring football games on Saturday, April 19 as the spring practice season winds down. Auburn's A-Day Game will be televised on ESPN at 3 p.m. ET. The Tigers will
    Auburn, Alabama and Missouri will finish up spring practice with spring games. Auburn and the Crimson Tide will have their A-Day games televised.
  • A'ja Wilson still getting use to newfound celebrity

    A'ja Wilson still getting use to newfound celebrity

    Thursday, April 17 2014 9:37 PM EDT2014-04-18 01:37:15 GMT
    It's been a full day since Heathwood Hall senior A'Ja Wilson made it official: she's staying in Columbia and will play basketball with the University of South Carolina. A'Ja already has a lot of name recognition
    It's been a full day since Heathwood Hall senior A'ja Wilson made it official and said she's staying in Columbia and will play basketball with the University of South Carolina. A'ja already has a lot of
  • USC QB Dylan Thompson visits fan in hospital

    USC QB Dylan Thompson visits fan in hospital

    Thursday, April 17 2014 1:19 AM EDT2014-04-17 05:19:46 GMT
    (Source: Facebook) (Source: Facebook)
    A man who lost his leg in a vehicle accident last week got a special visit Wednesday. Gamecocks quarterback Dylan Thompson stopped by Palmetto Health Richland. Jeremy Brunson lost his leg below the knee
    A man who lost his leg in a vehicle accident last week got a special visit Wednesday at the hospital.
  • LSUMore>>

  • LSU adds home-and-home series with Syracuse

    LSU adds home-and-home series with Syracuse

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 11:46 PM EDT2014-04-17 03:46:13 GMT
    From LSU Sports BATON ROUGE –LSU has added a home-and-home series with Syracuse in football starting with a game at the Carrier Dome in 2015, LSU Vice Chancellor and Director of Athletics Joe Alleva
    LSU football has added a home-and-home series with Syracuse starting in 2015. LSU also announced that the Tigers will open the 2015 season against McNeese State in Tiger Stadium.
  • ESPN to televise LSU-Wisconsin game in Houston

    ESPN to televise LSU-Wisconsin game in Houston

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 11:30 PM EDT2014-04-17 03:30:36 GMT
    From LSU Sports BATON ROUGE – LSU's season-opener against Wisconsin on Aug. 30 at Reliant Stadium in Houston will kickoff at 8 p.m. CT and will be televised by ESPN, the Southeastern Conference and the
    LSU's season-opener against Wisconsin on Aug. 30 at Reliant Stadium in Houston will kickoff at 8 p.m. CT and will be televised by ESPN.
  • Tigers perform drills for coaches at LSU Pro Day

    Tigers perform drills for coaches at LSU Pro Day

    Wednesday, April 9 2014 5:30 PM EDT2014-04-09 21:30:55 GMT
    With the NFL draft a month away, the LSU football players looking to move on to the next level are down to few opportunities left to show teams their worth. LSU reported 17 players from the 2013 squad
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The following column is satire and meant for entertainment purposes.

(RNN) - We are one quarter of the way through the 2013 college football season, and here is The Line King's Annual Conference Nugget Report.

He has long grieved because there are no longer any top-notch, beat-you-flat-then-rub-it-in, bad-guy hate magnets left in the bleak college football landscape of today. Miami of the 1990s, better-known as The "U," set a standard of indomitable wickedness that has yet to be repeated.

But hope floats eternally, because The Line King is a glass-half-full kind of guy:

ACC: Has the actual "U" returned? College football needs them! Bama is just not a good enough heel. The 2013 "U" has also given up only 50 points in four games. They just need more off-the-field antics and post-TD posing.

Big East (they should have never changed their name): Houston is a nice surprise. The Coogs might not be The "U," but they are a delightful 4-0 straight up/against the spread. SMU has a great 30 for 30 special like The "U," but is an appalling 0-4 ATS.

Big 8: Is Baylor the next "U?" I doubt the Southern Baptists would allow the necessary antics, but the Bears are running through opponents quicker than a snake handler goes through a vial of anti-venom serum. They've also only given up 23 points in four games. Twenty-three!

Big 11: The Big 11 will never produce a "U." Although Michigan's QB wearing No. 98 is pretty cool.

C-USA: The once proud Southern Miss program is the perfect example of why you don't run off a coach who produced 14 consecutive winning seasons and 10 bowl games. Wake up, people, it's Hattiesburg, not Miami.

Independents: The "U" would certainly like to rekindle the  venerable "Catholics vs. Convicts" rivalry, especially considering that Notre Dame is a horrid 0-4 ATS.

MAC: "U"Mass (yes, it is in the MAC) has only scored 28 points in four games. Yikes, that's not "U"-like.

MountainBigWestWAC: Usually produces a few teams worth following.  And like the old "U," the Benjamins are flying all over the place. "U"tah State is 4-1 ATS and while Hawaii is 0-4 on the field, they have nice beaches and are 3-1 ATS.  

PAC 10+2: While not The "U," the "O" is certainly making an early season run for a spot in Pasadena. The Ducks have scored 239 and given up 43... very "U"-like. And forget SoCal's 3-2 record, Lane Kiffin got fired because they are 1-4 ATS.

$EC: Despite brainwashing half the nation, the $EC is not at all "U"-like ATS. Mike $live would love to replace Starkville with Miami. Although Mizzou (who remembered they are in the $EC?) is 4-0 SU and ATS.

Sun Belt: South Alabama is 3-1 ATS, but Mobile will never be confused with Miami. Neither will Monroe or Lafayette (LA), Bowling Green (KY), Troy (AL) or San Marcos (TX). Heck, Atlanta is not Miami, either, although they think they are. Next year add Boone (NC) and Statesboro (GA).

Week 4: 6-3-1 (again)

Total: 29-20-2

Week 5

GaState @ Bammer -56: Old-school "U" beatdown.

Clemson @ Syracuse +14: Lots of orange... just like The "U."

UGA -11 @ Rocky Top: Speaking of Orange, ol' Smokey can only wish it was The "U."

Arkansas +10 @ The Swamp: The "U" took care of the Gators earlier, deflating giant egos all up and down I-75.  

Mizzou @ Vandy -4.5: Vandy is a private school just like The "U," or so the Vandy fan keeps saying.

Mississippi @ Barn +3: Black Bear fans are still excited about the Music City Bowl.

Kentucky @ SoCar -21.5: The Visor would have been a perfect fit at The "U." Instead, he is in Columbia. Oh well.

San Jose @ Hawaii +4.5: Think ATS my friends... ATS and those beaches.

TCU @ Oklahomer -11: TCU could be The "U." But it isn't.  

GaTech @ The "U" -4.5: Welcome back, The "U."

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

  • Southeastern ConferenceMore>>

  • Bama, Auburn, Mizzou hold spring games

    Bama, Auburn, Mizzou hold spring games

    Friday, April 18 2014 12:47 PM EDT2014-04-18 16:47:53 GMT
    (RNN) - Three more SEC teams have their spring football games on Saturday, April 19 as the spring practice season winds down. Auburn's A-Day Game will be televised on ESPN at 3 p.m. ET. The Tigers will
    Auburn, Alabama and Missouri will finish up spring practice with spring games. Auburn and the Crimson Tide will have their A-Day games televised.
  • Missouri dismisses WR Green-Beckham from team

    Missouri dismisses WR Green-Beckham from team

    Missouri wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham, once heralded as the No. 1 recruit in the nation out of high school, has been kicked off the team.
    Missouri decided enough was enough.
  • Review: Mizzou didn't follow federal assault rules

    Review: Mizzou didn't follow federal assault rules

    An independent report says the University of Missouri failed to follow parts of the federal law that governs sexual harassment when handling the case of a former swimmer's suicide.
    An independent report released Friday says the University of Missouri failed to follow parts of the federal law that governs sexual harassment on campus when handling the case of a former swimmer's suicide.
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