Couch Potato: Pre-Halloween SEC games weird, awful, watchable - KAIT-Jonesboro, AR-News, weather, sports

Couch Potato: Pre-Halloween SEC games too weird and awful not to watch

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Ha Ha Clinton-Dix returned from suspension against Arkansas and intercepted this pass, which he returned for a far piece. (Source: University of Alabama Media Relations) Ha Ha Clinton-Dix returned from suspension against Arkansas and intercepted this pass, which he returned for a far piece. (Source: University of Alabama Media Relations)
Austyn Carta-Samuels helped Vanderbilt beat Georgia, but he got beat up pretty bad and is hurt this week. (Source: Georgia Athletics) Austyn Carta-Samuels helped Vanderbilt beat Georgia, but he got beat up pretty bad and is hurt this week. (Source: Georgia Athletics)
  • AuburnMore>>

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    Auburn baseball falls short to Samford University

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 9:26 PM EDT2014-04-17 01:26:10 GMT
    The Auburn University baseball team fell just short of a comeback against the Samford Bulldogs on Tuesday night losing 7-6. The Tigers were down 6-0 before scoring four runs in the fifth inning and one
    The Auburn University baseball team fell just short of a comeback against the Samford Bulldogs on Tuesday night losing 7-6.
  • Auburn University baseball team blanks Troy at Plainsman Park

    Auburn University baseball team blanks Troy at Plainsman Park

    Tuesday, April 8 2014 10:56 PM EDT2014-04-09 02:56:38 GMT
    The Auburn University baseball team blanked Troy University on Tuesday at Plainsman Park, beating the Trojans 6-0. The Tigers recorded 14 hits, including four doubles, compared to just six that the Trojans
    The Auburn University baseball team blanked Troy University on Tuesday at Plainsman Park, beating the Trojans 6-0.
  • Auburn baseball commits 4 errors, drops game to Samford

    Auburn baseball commits 4 errors, drops game to Samford

    Wednesday, April 2 2014 5:57 PM EDT2014-04-02 21:57:02 GMT
    The Auburn University baseball team lost to the Samford Bulldogs on Tuesday night at Plainsman Park by a score of 8-1. Auburn committed four errors on the night, the fourth time in the last five games
    The Auburn University baseball team lost to the Samford Bulldogs on Tuesday night at Plainsman Park by a score of 8-1.
  • South CarolinaMore>>

  • A'ja Wilson still getting use to newfound celebrity

    A'ja Wilson still getting use to newfound celebrity

    Thursday, April 17 2014 9:37 PM EDT2014-04-18 01:37:15 GMT
    It's been a full day since Heathwood Hall senior A'Ja Wilson made it official: she's staying in Columbia and will play basketball with the University of South Carolina. A'Ja already has a lot of name recognition
    It's been a full day since Heathwood Hall senior A'ja Wilson made it official and said she's staying in Columbia and will play basketball with the University of South Carolina. A'ja already has a lot of
  • USC QB Dylan Thompson visits fan in hospital

    USC QB Dylan Thompson visits fan in hospital

    Thursday, April 17 2014 1:19 AM EDT2014-04-17 05:19:46 GMT
    (Source: Facebook) (Source: Facebook)
    A man who lost his leg in a vehicle accident last week got a special visit Wednesday. Gamecocks quarterback Dylan Thompson stopped by Palmetto Health Richland. Jeremy Brunson lost his leg below the knee
    A man who lost his leg in a vehicle accident last week got a special visit Wednesday at the hospital.
  • Gamecocks fall 10-8 at The Citadel

    Gamecocks fall 10-8 at The Citadel

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 11:34 PM EDT2014-04-17 03:34:30 GMT
    CHARLESTON, SC – Despite homers from Brison Celek and DC Arendas as well as seven hits and 10 walks at the plate, sixth ranked South Carolina fell to The Citadel 10-8 on Wednesday evening in non-conference
    CHARLESTON, SC – Despite homers from Brison Celek and DC Arendas as well as seven hits and 10 walks at the plate, sixth ranked South Carolina fell to The Citadel 10-8 on Wednesday evening in non-conference
  • LSUMore>>

  • LSU adds home-and-home series with Syracuse

    LSU adds home-and-home series with Syracuse

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 11:46 PM EDT2014-04-17 03:46:13 GMT
    From LSU Sports BATON ROUGE –LSU has added a home-and-home series with Syracuse in football starting with a game at the Carrier Dome in 2015, LSU Vice Chancellor and Director of Athletics Joe Alleva
    LSU football has added a home-and-home series with Syracuse starting in 2015. LSU also announced that the Tigers will open the 2015 season against McNeese State in Tiger Stadium.
  • ESPN to televise LSU-Wisconsin game in Houston

    ESPN to televise LSU-Wisconsin game in Houston

    Wednesday, April 16 2014 11:30 PM EDT2014-04-17 03:30:36 GMT
    From LSU Sports BATON ROUGE – LSU's season-opener against Wisconsin on Aug. 30 at Reliant Stadium in Houston will kickoff at 8 p.m. CT and will be televised by ESPN, the Southeastern Conference and the
    LSU's season-opener against Wisconsin on Aug. 30 at Reliant Stadium in Houston will kickoff at 8 p.m. CT and will be televised by ESPN.
  • Tigers perform drills for coaches at LSU Pro Day

    Tigers perform drills for coaches at LSU Pro Day

    Wednesday, April 9 2014 5:30 PM EDT2014-04-09 21:30:55 GMT
    With the NFL draft a month away, the LSU football players looking to move on to the next level are down to few opportunities left to show teams their worth. LSU reported 17 players from the 2013 squad
    With the NFL draft a month away, the LSU football players looking to move on to the next level are down to few opportunities left to show teams their worth.

Last week was a gore fest. What promised to be an average day of SEC ball turned into an orgy of delight in the misery of others.

Georgia, South Carolina, LSU, Texas A&M and Florida started the day favored and excited about the future, but their dreams turned to ashes before the bars closed.

It was like watching five different volcanoes erupt and destroy five different villages: grass huts bursting into flame, screaming villagers fleeing scalding ash and lava, livestock hurling themselves into lakes.

It was great.

So now it's Week 9, and nobody's happy except Alabama, Auburn and Missouri. How much longer will that last? 

More weird things are on the horizon. Coach Potato can feel it. Halloween is just around the corner.

That's why this week, instead of predicting outcomes so that college message board trolls can launch profane tirades at us from the other side of the computer screen, we'll conclude each game summary with quotes from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Frank: So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici …… pation.

Vanderbilt at Texas A&M

12:21 a.m. ET, SEC TV

Both teams have QB issues. Vandy's Austyn Carta-Samuels is questionable and Johnny Football fell on his shoulder short of the Auburn goal in the fourth quarter, got up gimpy, then staggered back into play a few series later and was not himself. Auburn took advantage to mount a dramatic comeback against the worst defense in Christendom to all but eliminate the Aggs from the BCS picture.

Vandy is stoked after beating a dispirited, beat-up Georgia bunch last week. Even last year's golden 9-4 season didn't include a win over Georgia or a ranked opponent. Now this one does.

Vandy and A&M, two wounded teams, tearing each other to shreds: what a great way to start the morning.

Riff Raff: It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll.

Tennessee at Alabama

3: 30 p.m. ET, CBS

First-year coach Butch Jones probably doesn't really know how much his fans hate Alabama and how much Alabama fans hate his team, everything that has to do with his team and by association, him.

He will, very soon.

Alabama lost safety Vinnie Sunseri to a snapped ACL. Sunseri was an overachieving, Charlie Hustle guy that even people who hated Alabama liked.

If you are one of those people, feel free to hate with impunity.

Because after a slow start, Alabama is keeping it street and looking like the all-destroying death machine hated by all.

Defensive back Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is back after a brief suspension for borrowing a few hundred bucks from his assistant strength coach. T.J. Yeldon and Kenyan Drake are providing a crushing run game behind a steadily improving offensive line. A.J. McCarron is picking defenses apart with his typical, boring efficiency.

In contrast to the bitter cloud that has descended over most of the league, Tennessee's fans are fairly giddy after last week's win over schizophrenic South Carolina. But they're bummed when they realize they'd be the beast of the East if they'd only beaten Georgia, which was happening until that incredible, overtime fumble on the goal line.

So, is Tennessee any good or what? Could these be the guys to finally knock off Alabama and make the world rise in a chorus of celebration?

Chorus: But it's the pelvic thrust/ That really drives you insane./Let's do the time warp again.

South Carolina at Missouri

7 p.m. ET, ESPN2

South Carolina, what's the deal, guys? Couch Potato extolled you as the national title dark horse, and look what you have done to my credibility. Thanks a lot.

What was wrong with Steve Spurrier last week? When he called back-to-back time outs and then punted anyway, he had the same look on his face as my dog when I pretend to throw the stick, and she runs after it and then realizes it's still in my hand.

"What? What? Where's the stick? Where's the stick! Ahhhhhh! I can't find the stupid stick! Wait, what? You've got the stick? How can you still have the stick? You threw it! I saw you throw it! barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!"

Connor Shaw is hurt, and guess what else?

In this actual universe and not one imagined by H.P. Lovecraft, Missouri is the golden team of the SEC East, despite being located halfway to California and two hours closer to Minneapolis than Atlanta.

And they're led by this guy, redshirt freshman replacement QB Maty Mauk, who allowed himself to be forever typecast with this NSFW collection of ill-considered photos.

Couch Potato doesn't want to watch this game. But he will. A victim to the same compulsion that made him tap the brakes and gawk in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-95 north of West Palm Beach that time when the pickup truck loaded to the axles with stolen outboard motors overturned in the median and random people were screeching to a halt, grabbing them and muscling them into the beds of Rancheros and the backseats of Chrysler convertibles then speeding off.

It was just too weird and awful not to look at.

The Criminologist: And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space... and meaning.

The others: Furman at LSU, which is in need of a sacrifice to the football gods to atone for last week's hideous loss; Florida Atlantic at national championship contender Auburn; Idaho at Ole Miss, which is in need of a sacrifice to the football gods in thanks for last week's unlikely win.

Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

  • Southeastern ConferenceMore>>

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    Missouri decided enough was enough.
  • Review: Mizzou didn't follow federal assault rules

    Review: Mizzou didn't follow federal assault rules

    An independent report says the University of Missouri failed to follow parts of the federal law that governs sexual harassment when handling the case of a former swimmer's suicide.
    An independent report released Friday says the University of Missouri failed to follow parts of the federal law that governs sexual harassment on campus when handling the case of a former swimmer's suicide.
  • SEC reigns supreme in Super Bowl

    SEC reigns supreme in Super Bowl

    Tuesday, January 21 2014 7:14 AM EST2014-01-21 12:14:08 GMT
    The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks have more players and coaches from the SEC than any other conference.
    The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks have more players and coaches from the SEC than any other conference.
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