Couch Potato: Pre-Halloween SEC games weird, awful, watchable - KAIT-Jonesboro, AR-News, weather, sports

Couch Potato: Pre-Halloween SEC games too weird and awful not to watch

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Ha Ha Clinton-Dix returned from suspension against Arkansas and intercepted this pass, which he returned for a far piece. (Source: University of Alabama Media Relations) Ha Ha Clinton-Dix returned from suspension against Arkansas and intercepted this pass, which he returned for a far piece. (Source: University of Alabama Media Relations)
Austyn Carta-Samuels helped Vanderbilt beat Georgia, but he got beat up pretty bad and is hurt this week. (Source: Georgia Athletics) Austyn Carta-Samuels helped Vanderbilt beat Georgia, but he got beat up pretty bad and is hurt this week. (Source: Georgia Athletics)
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Last week was a gore fest. What promised to be an average day of SEC ball turned into an orgy of delight in the misery of others.

Georgia, South Carolina, LSU, Texas A&M and Florida started the day favored and excited about the future, but their dreams turned to ashes before the bars closed.

It was like watching five different volcanoes erupt and destroy five different villages: grass huts bursting into flame, screaming villagers fleeing scalding ash and lava, livestock hurling themselves into lakes.

It was great.

So now it's Week 9, and nobody's happy except Alabama, Auburn and Missouri. How much longer will that last? 

More weird things are on the horizon. Coach Potato can feel it. Halloween is just around the corner.

That's why this week, instead of predicting outcomes so that college message board trolls can launch profane tirades at us from the other side of the computer screen, we'll conclude each game summary with quotes from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Frank: So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici …… pation.

Vanderbilt at Texas A&M

12:21 a.m. ET, SEC TV

Both teams have QB issues. Vandy's Austyn Carta-Samuels is questionable and Johnny Football fell on his shoulder short of the Auburn goal in the fourth quarter, got up gimpy, then staggered back into play a few series later and was not himself. Auburn took advantage to mount a dramatic comeback against the worst defense in Christendom to all but eliminate the Aggs from the BCS picture.

Vandy is stoked after beating a dispirited, beat-up Georgia bunch last week. Even last year's golden 9-4 season didn't include a win over Georgia or a ranked opponent. Now this one does.

Vandy and A&M, two wounded teams, tearing each other to shreds: what a great way to start the morning.

Riff Raff: It's astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll.

Tennessee at Alabama

3: 30 p.m. ET, CBS

First-year coach Butch Jones probably doesn't really know how much his fans hate Alabama and how much Alabama fans hate his team, everything that has to do with his team and by association, him.

He will, very soon.

Alabama lost safety Vinnie Sunseri to a snapped ACL. Sunseri was an overachieving, Charlie Hustle guy that even people who hated Alabama liked.

If you are one of those people, feel free to hate with impunity.

Because after a slow start, Alabama is keeping it street and looking like the all-destroying death machine hated by all.

Defensive back Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is back after a brief suspension for borrowing a few hundred bucks from his assistant strength coach. T.J. Yeldon and Kenyan Drake are providing a crushing run game behind a steadily improving offensive line. A.J. McCarron is picking defenses apart with his typical, boring efficiency.

In contrast to the bitter cloud that has descended over most of the league, Tennessee's fans are fairly giddy after last week's win over schizophrenic South Carolina. But they're bummed when they realize they'd be the beast of the East if they'd only beaten Georgia, which was happening until that incredible, overtime fumble on the goal line.

So, is Tennessee any good or what? Could these be the guys to finally knock off Alabama and make the world rise in a chorus of celebration?

Chorus: But it's the pelvic thrust/ That really drives you insane./Let's do the time warp again.

South Carolina at Missouri

7 p.m. ET, ESPN2

South Carolina, what's the deal, guys? Couch Potato extolled you as the national title dark horse, and look what you have done to my credibility. Thanks a lot.

What was wrong with Steve Spurrier last week? When he called back-to-back time outs and then punted anyway, he had the same look on his face as my dog when I pretend to throw the stick, and she runs after it and then realizes it's still in my hand.

"What? What? Where's the stick? Where's the stick! Ahhhhhh! I can't find the stupid stick! Wait, what? You've got the stick? How can you still have the stick? You threw it! I saw you throw it! barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!"

Connor Shaw is hurt, and guess what else?

In this actual universe and not one imagined by H.P. Lovecraft, Missouri is the golden team of the SEC East, despite being located halfway to California and two hours closer to Minneapolis than Atlanta.

And they're led by this guy, redshirt freshman replacement QB Maty Mauk, who allowed himself to be forever typecast with this NSFW collection of ill-considered photos.

Couch Potato doesn't want to watch this game. But he will. A victim to the same compulsion that made him tap the brakes and gawk in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-95 north of West Palm Beach that time when the pickup truck loaded to the axles with stolen outboard motors overturned in the median and random people were screeching to a halt, grabbing them and muscling them into the beds of Rancheros and the backseats of Chrysler convertibles then speeding off.

It was just too weird and awful not to look at.

The Criminologist: And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space... and meaning.

The others: Furman at LSU, which is in need of a sacrifice to the football gods to atone for last week's hideous loss; Florida Atlantic at national championship contender Auburn; Idaho at Ole Miss, which is in need of a sacrifice to the football gods in thanks for last week's unlikely win.

Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! Ha ha ha...

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

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