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The Line King: Thankful for tattoos, road dogs and rivalry week

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  • AuburnMore>>

  • Gus Malzahn - Auburn - September 2, 2014

    Gus Malzahn - Auburn - September 2, 2014

    Auburn head football coach Gus Malzahn answers questions from the media on Tuesday, September 2, 2014.
    Auburn head football coach Gus Malzahn answers questions from the media on Tuesday, September 2, 2014.
  • No. 6 Auburn defeats Arkansas in season opener 45-21

    No. 6 Auburn defeats Arkansas in season opener 45-21

    Monday, September 1 2014 3:41 PM EDT2014-09-01 19:41:18 GMT
    (Source: WSFA 12 News)(Source: WSFA 12 News)
    The Auburn Tigers defeated the Arkansas Razorbacks on Saturday by a score of 45-21 to start the 2014 season. From the way things looked on Saturday, the Auburn offense has not slowed down since 2013. The
    The Auburn Tigers defeated the Arkansas Razorbacks on Saturday by a score of 45-21 to start the 2014 season.
  • What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    Sunday, August 31 2014 1:51 PM EDT2014-08-31 17:51:41 GMT

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

  • South CarolinaMore>>

  • Spurrier, 21st-ranked Gamecocks looking to regroup

    Spurrier, 21st-ranked Gamecocks looking to regroup

    Tuesday, September 2 2014 8:56 PM EDT2014-09-03 00:56:08 GMT
    By PETE IACOBELLIAP Sports Writer COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) - Steve Spurrier quickly corrected himself after saying No. 21 South Carolina needs to play a little better when it faces East Carolina on Saturday
    Steve Spurrier and the South Carolina Gamecocks aim to bounce back this week when they take on East Carolina.
  • Gamecocks, Tigers drop in AP poll

    Gamecocks, Tigers drop in AP poll

    Tuesday, September 2 2014 2:44 PM EDT2014-09-02 18:44:36 GMT
    NEW YORK, NY (AP) - Texas A&M makes a big jump in the AP Top 25 after the most impressive performance of the opening weekend of college football. Florida State and Alabama lost some support in the first
    Texas A&M makes a big jump in the AP Top 25 after the most impressive performance of the opening weekend of college football.
  • Spurrier: RB Davis likely to play vs East Carolina

    Spurrier: RB Davis likely to play vs East Carolina

    South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier says injured tailback Mike Davis has received treatment on his bruised ribs the past few days and is likely to see action Saturday night when the 21st-ranked Gamecocks take on...
    South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier says injured tailback Mike Davis has received treatment on his bruised ribs the past few days and is likely to see action Saturday night when the 21st-ranked Gamecocks take on East...

This column is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only.

(RNN) - Well, it's that time of year again - the obligatory "I'm Thankful for" piece every so-called "journalist" is required to submit to their editor.

TLK is no different.

1. TLK is thankful for the opportunity to write a weekly column for his editor and good old buddy Skeeter Brown - TLK would be even more thankful if Skeeter paid him.

2. TLK is thankful for investing in a tattoo ink factory a while back - at the time it seemed like a crazy idea. Back in the day, only pirates and convicts in French Guiana had tattoos. Today, my granddaughter asked Santa for a gift card to Tattoo Emporium.

Next investment? Miracle tattoo removal cream for when all of these young people turn old and flabby.

3. TLK is thankful for another BCS mess brewing. What if ... Barn beats Bammer and then loses to Mizzou in the $EC championship game; a Tallahassee state attorney files charges; Michigan State beats Ohio State (in the Big 10 Championship game) and SoCar stomps Clemson?

Would we get an OkState-Mizzou national championship game - something TLK would watch?

Nah, the $EC media lap dogs would probably demand a Barn-Bammer rematch. Meanwhile, 24 teams in FCS start their playoff this weekend and it seems to work just fine for them.

4. TLK is thankful for an endless parade of bowl games filled with marginally talented 6-6 teams. Nothing is more satisfying than watching two teams trying to avoid the 6-7 record of shame, battling it out on Christmas Eve in some worn-out, forgotten city, sponsored by the Tattoo Emporium.

5. TLK is thankful for the USC Song Girls, the one last great thing left in college football - you won't see a tattoo on any of them.

6. Finally, TLK is thankful he is 64-52-3 on the year. Maybe I will get invited back next year - for free of course.

Last Week: 5-5 (TLK might get "5-5" tattooed on his neck)

Year: 64-52-3 (Wow, being asked to select 119 games is insane)

Bammer -9 @ Barn: One team's fans will be thankful the other team's fans are miserable for another year.

Johnny Football @ Mizzou -3: Tiger fans are thankful that the farthest team west in the $EC can win the $EC East.

ArKansas +25.5 @ LSUAMC: Fans in Red Stick are thankful they have one more week to complain about TLK.

UGa -3 @ UGa Tech: Dawg fans are thankful Mark Richt has led them to another second-tier bowl game in a second-tier town.

Wake Island @ Vandy -14: Vandy fan is thankful for another winning season, but is beginning to feel guilty for neglecting the basketball team.

Tennessee @ Kentucky +4: Mike $live is thankful these two teams' seasons are over. They have given the $EC and bourbon a bad name.

Clemson @ SoCar -4.5: Gamecock fans are thankful for the clang sound of a missed field goal in OT.

Notre Dame @ Stanford -14: Tree fans are thankful Oregon always finds a way to implode late in the season.

Oregon State @ Oregon -21: Duck fans pretend to be thankful that they will be flying to El Paso on Christmas Day.

Baylor -12.5 @ TCU: Baylor fans are thankful people might forget about last week.

FSU @ Florida: No Line! Seriously, who loses a game giving up ZERO yards passing?

Mississippi @ Ole' Miss State: No Line

Copyright 2013 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

  • Southeastern ConferenceMore>>

  • A&M jumps, FSU, 'Bama lose some support in AP poll

    A&M jumps, FSU, 'Bama lose some support in AP poll

    Tuesday, September 2 2014 2:22 PM EDT2014-09-02 18:22:19 GMT
    Texas A&M makes a big jump in the AP Top 25 after the most impressive performance of the opening weekend of college football. Florida State and Alabama lost some support in the first poll of the regular season...
    Texas A&M makes a big jump in the AP Top 25 after the most impressive performance of the opening weekend of college football. Florida State and Alabama lost some support in the first poll of the regular season after...
  • What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    What We Learned from the SEC in Week 1

    Sunday, August 31 2014 1:51 PM EDT2014-08-31 17:51:41 GMT

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

    For a while, it looked like the college football world was going to be upended in the first week of play, but it all worked out according to plan in the end.

  • Marshall, Johnson, No. 6 Auburn top Arkansas 45-21

    Marshall, Johnson, No. 6 Auburn top Arkansas 45-21

    Saturday, August 30 2014 10:30 PM EDT2014-08-31 02:30:45 GMT
    Jeremy Johnson passed for 243 yards and two touchdowns in the first half and Nick Marshall returned from suspension with a 19-yard scoring run to lift No. 6 Auburn to a 45-21 opening victory over Arkansas on Saturday.
    The Auburn offense didn't slow down a bit, even with Nick Marshall a spectator for half the game.
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